STAY AWAY

By Josh Hanagarne, World’s Strongest Librarian

Kettlebells are getting pretty hot right now. You might have seen Lance Armstrong swinging one in a newspaper. Or maybe you saw Jillian from The Biggest Loser sneering her way through a wimpy set of terrible, poorly performed movements.

And now, maybe you’re intrigued. I mean, if celebrities are using these things, they’re definitely the way to go, right? Jillian wouldn’t use something that didn’t work. That’s why she’s endorsing that perfect combination of the Nintendo Wii’s Fitness Ultimatum and kettlebells.

Kettlebells are terrible things, but you don’t need to take my word for it. Here are a few indisputable reasons that will help you make up your own mind.

Do not use kettlebells because:

1. Kettlebells will make you strong

I like being strong. I like it so much that I don’t want to share the spotlight with anyone else, and definitely not with you. As long as you stick with dumbbells, treadmills, and bench presses, I can reasonably expect you to remain at the same weights forever while I move up and up and up. You will either quit going to your gym or work for the purpose of looking good only. But you won’t get strong, and that’s all good for me.

If you start getting strong with kettlebells, I won’t be able to show off as well.

2. Kettlebells will help fix your body

We all have movement imbalances and asymmetries. Some of us have fewer than others, however. People who use kettlebells, for instance. I’m insecure and I want to be the most graceful person in the room. My body knows how to work as a unit, which makes me look like an elegant lion among people who have done too much upper body work and zero lower body work.

The worse you move, the better I look. So don’t fix your body. Don’t use kettlebells as correctional tools. You wouldn’t like how good it feels to know that your body is working exactly how it was intended to.

Trust me, it stinks.

3. Kettlebells will make you look good

If you’re like most people, you’re after “big guns,” “sick vascularity,” and you’re always chasing “the pump.” You have to care about those things when you’re going after that awesome Frankenstein look. That look where you’ve trained every tiny body part so hard, for so long, that you look like a big pile of polygons.

Kettlebells will not give you that look. Stay away. They will make you hard, lean, and fast. But not freaky huge. Or tan.

4. Kettlebells force you to focus

If you try to watch an aerobics class while working with a kettlebell, you’re probably going to smash your face in. You could take your eyes off the gyrating spandex for a moment and focus on your kettlebell work…or you could keep doing curls and talk into your Bluetooth at the same time—and still watch the class!

It’s a no-brainer. The mind-muscle connection is all a bunch of crap. Muscle grows when it’s lifting something on autopilot, not when you focus on it. Stick with light dumbbells. They’ll never get away from you.

In summary

Stick with what you know. Wait until January, sign up for a gym membership, lift dumbbells for a week, then lie down on the couch and look forward to a giant batch of Valentine’s Day candy.

You’ve earned it. And while you lie there, feel free to smirk at all the kettlebell nuts out there getting stronger, moving better, looking good, and forging new bodies and minds.

Those losers…

Josh Hanagarne
Get Stronger, Get Smarter, Live Better…Every Day